Helen Philpot

To solve a problem, you have to know what causes the problem. For example, to understand Dick Cheney you have to understand that his name is Richard but people call him Dick for a reason. To understand Ann Coulter, you have to understand what it must be like to go through life with a ginormous foot in your mouth. To understand Rush Limbaugh, you have to understand how a frontal lobotomy works. To understand George W. Bush, you have to…. well there really is no understanding that. But I am sure you get the point.

As Americans, many of us just can’t understand why terrorists from the Middle East would want to destroy us. The very idea of their hating us so much is almost unfathomable. Never mind that we have been occupying their homelands for more than 60 years. Never mind that today we have dozens of “enduring” military bases just in Iraq and dozens more in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Oman, Qatar… Is that really so terrible? We’re just there looking to send back a little oil to help run our cars and our factories back home. Why do they hate us so much? I don’t know, but I wish it was a problem we could finally solve.

Speaking of problems I wish we could solve… What are we going to do with all these illegal immigrants coming into our country uninvited? The nerve, I tell you. The very nerve of it just gets to me. The idea that those Mexicans would come here in hopes of earning money to send to their families back home is just too much to bear. Before you know it, they’ll want to build a military base. I mean can you imagine if those Mexicans were to start arriving inside tanks rather than inside trunks. Imagine if they start taking our land rather than our landscaping jobs. The very thought just makes me want to blow something up…

Is the whole situation becoming a little more clear? People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. It ruins the view and makes for a lot of sharp edges.

We need to educate ourselves if we are to finally understand our problems and how to solve them. Did you know that the US operates and/or controls between 700 and 800 military bases worldwide. These facilities include more than 850,000 different buildings and equipment. The underlying land surface is about 30 million acres – almost a third the size of California. (Interestingly enough, the Hispanic population in California is about a third of the state’s population.) The total land area occupied by US military bases domestically and internationally is about 2,202,735 hectares, which makes the Pentagon one of the largest landowners worldwide.

Margaret, I don’t even know what a hectare is. Do you? So what does all this mean? To most of us – probably nothing. And that’s the problem. I mean it. Really.

Life’s a bitch… and so is Dick Cheney.

Margaret, I am here to tell you that Dick Cheney is a bitch – a big one too. I mean I thought that Sarah Palin was a bitch, but even she can’t hold a candle to this guy. Have you been listening to him recently?

I would say that it takes some pretty big balls to go on national television again and again to justify torture, but Dick was too much of a wimp to serve his country in the military so I’m pretty sure there ain’t much hanging between his legs. But being a bitch myself, I can assure you that you don’t need balls to be a bitch. You just need to not give a damn what other people think of you… and Dick doesn’t even care what his family and friends think about him much less the rest of us.

I have to admit that I am more than a little perplexed by Dick’s rise to power. He flunked out of Yale – something even George W. Bush didn’t do – and has at least two DWI’s on his record – one more than Georgie Boy. So basically from 2001 to 2009 we had two dry-drunk idiots running the country. But only one of them has had the good sense to shut the hell up since leaving office.

Cheney came into politics as part of the Nixon administration and ended his politcal career with George W. Bush. Along the way he managed to skip the Reagan years opting instead to represent the least populous state in the Union. In fact, of the past five Republican presidents since Cheney got into politics, the only one that Dick didn’t work for was Ronald Reagan. Talk about a guy who can’t pick a winning horse. He works for Nixon, Ford, skips Reagan, and then comes back for the two Bushes. Four failed Presidencies and this guy still thinks his shit doesn’t stink. Of course this is the guy who headed up the vice presidential search for George W. Bush only to decide to pick himself as the candidate. I’d say he’s mastered the art of not smelling his own shit.

During his tenure as Secretary of Defense he actively worked to reduce the size of our military. And when asked about the FIVE deferments that kept him from serving in the military he responded by saying, “I had other priorities in the sixties than military service.” And yet today he wants us to listen to him pontificate on how best to protect our nation? He shot his friend in the face for goodness sakes. Too bad for his hunting buddies that he got those deferments because the military might have helped him with his aim.

And let’s not forget about his co-workers and family members. When someone manges to pull Scooter Libby out from under the bus, be sure to ask him what he thinks about his former boss. And then there’s his daughter, the lesbian. His own daughter is in a same sex relationship but Dick won’t stand up against his party’s stance on gay marriage. So in addition to shooting his friends in the face and pushing employees under the bus, he also eats his young. Now that, my friend, is one hell of a big bitch.

Hey Dick. Stick a cork in it you good for nothing jackass. You and George were elected with the narrowest of margins and you never looked back. Eight years later an overwhelming majority put Obama in office and as far as I am concerned, he has the green-light to put this country back on track. If you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass, because if I had to choose between liberating Iraq from Saddam or liberating us from you, there would be one more Hussein in the world and one less Cheney. Given the opportunity, I would have stuffed you down that hole in the ground with Saddam and sealed the door shut.

I mean it. Really.

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Source:
http://margaretandhelen.wordpress.com/2009/05/14/how-do-you-solve-a-problem-like-dick-cheney/
http://margaretandhelen.wordpress.com/2009/05/23/lifes-a-bitch-and-so-is-dick-cheney/